
IZZYS VACATION 



HARRY L NEWTON'S 

One-Act Comedy Sketches, 

Monologues and 
Dramatic Episodes 





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A Rose of Mexico 

A Pair Of Pants 

A Jack And His Queen 



A Drama 

Talking Act 

A Comedietta 



An Invitation To The Ball Comedy Sketch 

Chatter Monologue for Males 

Down In Paradise Alley Comedy Sketch 

Family Secrets Monologue 

Izzy's Vacation A Summer Episode 

Keep Your Eye On The Ball 

Comedy Sketch 

Meet My Wife A Comedy Drama 

The Spirit of Captain Kidd Comedy 

Two Girls And Him Comedy Sketch 

What Every Woman Thinks She Knows 
Suffragette Monologue 



1 



M. WITMARK & SONS, 

Witmark Building 144-146 West 37th Street, NewYork 




IZZY'S VACATION 

A Summer Episode in Two Scenes 

By 
HARRY L. NEWTON 



Copyright 1913 by M. WITMARK & SONS 
International Copyright Secured 



M. WITMARK & SONS 

Publishers 

Witmark Building, 144-146 W. 37th Street, New York 

CHICAGO SAN FRANCISCO LONDON PARIS 

Professional performing rights reserved 



4. 






<£V 



Note. — The acting rights of this Sketch are ex 
pressly reserved by the Publishers, to whom 
all professionals who wish to produce it 
should apply. Amateur representation may 
be made without such application and with- 
out charge. 



©CI.D 34006 



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CHARACTERS. 

Izzy Goldberg A Young Hebrezx 

Grace Howe. A Summer Gir> 

Time. — This afternoon. 

Place. — A quiet spot in the country. 

COSTUMES. 

Grace Howe- — Handsome outing costume. Wean 
her hair down her back in braids. In Scene II she 
may change dress if so desired. 

Izzy Goldberg — White flannel or duck suit, muck 
too large for him. He carries suit case and a smaS 
bag, and has several fishing poles strapped on his 
lack. 



DIAGRAM OF STAGE., 

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AUDIENCE,, 

L, i. E.— Left first entrance. 
r x< £ # — Right first entrance. 
L. U. B.— Left upper entrance. 
C. — Centre of stage. 
R. C— Right centre of stage. 
L. C— Left centre of stage 

C. D. —Centre doer 

D. R. C. —Door right centre. 
D. L. C— Door left centre. 



IZZY'S VACATION 



Scene I. — A country road in I. 

(At rise of curtain the orchestra plays chorus of 
"In the Good Old Summer Time." Enter Grace, 
followed by Izzy. She stops at C, and whirls 
about abruptly upon him; he almost collides with 
her, in comedy manner — then he drops suit case and 
bag to floor with a bang.) 

Grace (Indignantly and rapidly) — Well, of all 
the unmitigated, unlimited, unforeseen, unabashed 
nerve, you surely possess it ! You, an entire stran- 
ger to me, having the stupendous audacity to delib- 
erately follow and accost me, and without any cause 
or provocation whatsoever! It is unjustifiable in 
the extreme, and but for the fact that I was an eye- 
witness to your behavior, would believe it an utter 
impossibility that such a thing could happen. 
(Pauses for him to answer, but he only stares at her 
in astonishment, then:) Well, why don't you speak? 

Izzy — I ain't had no introduction yet. 

Grace (Laughs) — I didn't suppose you spoke 
English. 

Izzy — Sure I do, do you? 

Grace (Indignantly) — You understood what I 
said just now, didn't you? 



IZZY'S VACATION 



Izzy— Sure— part of it. 
Grace— Oh, I see ! You're a Hebrew. 
Izzy (Aside)— I wonder how she knew? 
Grace— I might have known that nobody but a 
Jew would have shown the nerve that you have. 
Jews are awfully scarce about here. There isn't a 
Jew in the village. 

Izzy— That's why it's a village. 
Grace (Laughs)— Well, what do you do so they 
don't put you in jail for getting away with it? 
Izzy— I'm a traveling man. 
Grace— Then you'd better keep on traveling. 
Izzy — I'm on a vacation — 

Grace— Oh, you are? Well, you may take it 
from me this is some place you've come to. 
T ZZY — What's de matter vid de place, yes ? 
Grace— The first day you're here you're afraid 
you are going to die. 

Izzy— Yes ; and de second day ? 
Grace— The second day you're afraid you won't. 
IzZ y— Oi, oi! And I'm here for three weeks; 
maybe four. 

Grace— I suppose you will go in bathing? 
Izzy— Bathing? Bathing? No; I took a bath 

before I left home. 

Grace (Laughs)-And he's here for three 

weeks; maybe four. Never mind; you 11 be 

"cleaned" before you leave, all right, all right. Are 

you married? 

Izzy— No ; I'm in business by myself. ^ 
Grace— Did you come alone from the city ? 



IZZY'S VACATION 



Izzy — No. Jakie Weingarten come mit me. 

Grace — Well, where is he ? 

Izzy — I t'ink Jakie he met mit a accident. 

Grace — You think he did ? Don't you know ? 
How did the accident happen? 

Izzy — Veil, Jakie and I vos valking along de 
railroad track, and I hear a whistle, and I got off 
de track, and de train vent by, and I didn't see 
Jakie ; but I valked along and purty soon I seen 
Jakie's hat, and I valked on and purty soon I seen 
one of Jakie's legs, and then I seen one of Jakie's 
arms, and then another leg, and then over to vone 
side I seen Jakie's head, and I says : "By golly ! 
Something muster happened to Jakie !" 

(Grace gives him a look from head to foot, then 
walks all around him with her eyes upon him, then 
exits. He sings song and exits.) 

Scene II. — Full stage, wood setting, with mea- 
dow or mountain drop. At back is a hidden brook, 
with shrubbery growing on its banks. At L. of C. 
there is a "prop" pile of stones. Grace is discov- 
ered sitting on pile of stones. She holds fishing 
pole with hook dangling in brook. She sings song, 
after which a noise of dog barking off stage, wild 
shouts, etc., and Izzy dashes on stage, stops at C., 
and looks back, shaking with fright. He has a fish- 
pole in one hand. Grace rises and comes down 
stage, laughing. 

Grace (Laughing) — What's the trouble? 

Izzy — Oi, oi ! Vat a fright ! I got it a headache 



IZZY'S VACATION 



in the head. Dot dog vos going to make it a meal 
from me. 

Grace — Nonsense! He wouldn't bite. Look, 
he's wagging his tail. {Points off at supposed dog.) 

Izzy — Yes, and he's growling, too ; vich end am I 
going to believe? 

Grace — Well, never mind the dog. What I want 
to speak to you about is this : My father is going 
to open a butcher shop. 

Izzy — My brother Ikie opened a butcher shop 
once — twelve o'clock at night. 

Grace — That was a queer time to open one. 

Izzy — Yes ; dot's what de judge said. 

Grace — Is he in business yet? 

Izzy — No ; he's in jail yet. 

Grace — Oh, I see ! He's a black sheep. 

Izzy — No; he vos trying to get the sheep from 
de butcher shop. 

Grace — Oh, well, we're all liable to mistakes ! 

I ZZY — Yes ; my brother Ikie took de steaks, too. 

Grace — That's too bad. How much time was he 
given ? 

Izzy — He vasn't given any. De policeman vas 
too quick for him. 

Grace— Well, that will probably teach him a les- 
son. When he gets out he'll probably start all over 
again. 

Izzy— Yes, dot's what Ikie said. He says de next 
time he "starts" anything he bets he don't get 
caught. 

Grace— Well, that's quite enough about your 



IZZY'S VACATION 



brother Ikie. I have no use for anybody with bad 
ways. 

Izzy — Ikie says de butcher had bad weighs, too. 

Grace — No, no. I meant to say that your brother 
Ikie had been weighed and found wanting. 

Izzy — Sure ; I understand. Shoost like de meat 
de butcher weighs. 

Grace {Laughs) — You're not such a greenhorn 
as you look. I'm quite certain my father will like 
you and that the butcher shop will prove a good 
opening for you. 

Izzy — Dat's what my brother Ikie thought. 

Grace — And as for work, that's a mere trifle. It 
will be so easy, in fact, that my father will be 
ashamed to look at you when he hands you your 
money Saturday night. 

Izzy — Maybe, den, I better take money ven your 
father von't be looking at me. 

Grace — No, no ; you mustn't do that. As I said 
before, the work is nothing. For instance, you get 

up at 2 A. M. 

Izzy — I get up at 2 a. m. ? Say, vat time do I go 

to bed ? - 

Grace — Oh, you'll get to bed about 12 o'clock, I 
think. That will give you two hours sleep. Just 
think of it — two hours of sound, refreshing sleep! 

Izzy — Do you t'ink your father could spare me 
dat long ? 

Grace — As to that I cannot say. However, he'll 
try two hours to start with, then you might have td 
cut it down to one hour. You see, you are working 



10 

IZZY'S VACATION 



in a butcher shop, and it will be an easy matter to 
"cut off" an hour or two. Now, upon arising, you 
repair immediately to the back yard and pick some 
chickens. 

Izzy — Whose back yard? 

Grace— Why, father's back yard, of course! 
What's wrong? 

IzzY—l vouldn't like it. Some of de hens might 
be "laying" for me. 

Grace— Oh, stop your fooling. Now the first 
thing in the morning you will have to pick three 
hundred chickens. 

Izzy— Veil, how do I know ven dey are ripe ? 

Grace— Say, did you ever pick a chicken? I'm 
not talking about grapes or watermelons. Did you 
ever pick a chicken? 

Izzy — Sure — lots of 'em. 

Grace— Then you know how it's done. 

Izzy — Sure. 

Grace — Suppose you show me how you pick a 
chicken. 

-Izzy (Business of straightening tie, hat, etc.; 
then he walks a few steps, smiles, takes off hat and 
bows)— Ah, there, little one; vich vay are you go- 
ing dis evening? 

Grace (Angrily)— Oh, that's the limit! Now, 
see here. Please pay a little attention. Now, we'll 
suppose that my father's butcher shop is open and 
ready for business. You are back of the counter 
and Mrs. Jones comes in. She is one of our best 
customers, and you must treat her accordingly. 



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IZZY'S VACATION 



Izzy — Vat do I treat her to — beer or vine ? 

Grace — Neither, you blockhead. See here. I'll 
be Mrs. Jones. It's a nice morning, and I'm going 
out to do my shopping and marketing. You are 
standing back of the counter as I enter the shop. 

Izzy — Vat time do you enter de shop ? 

Grace — Why, I just explained it was in the 
morning ! 

Izzy — Oh, I t'ought it vos in de middle of de 
night, like my brother Ikie ! 

Grace — No, no. Now Fm Mrs. Jones. (Walks 
away a few steps and then comes back to him.) 
Good morning, butcher. Isn't it a fine morning, 
though ? How are your kidneys this morning ? 

Izzy (Puzzled) — My kidneys? 

Grace — Yes, your kidneys. How are they? 

Izzy — Fine. How are yours? 

Grace (Angrily) — Oh, it's no use; no use! You 
are simply impossible. I want to tell you right here 
and now that your family has my deepest and sin- 
cerest sympathy. And I feel awfully sorry for 
your poor parents, especially your poor mother. 
How many children did your mother have? 

Izzy — Five. 

Grace — Five altogether, eh? 

Izzy — No. Von at a time. 

(Cue for Song and Dcmce number. After Song 
and Dance they take their fishing poles and throw 
the hooks into the brook. They make two or three 
casts, then Izzy says: "Dere is no Ush here. Ve 
got de wrong place. Let's try de odder side!' Then 



AUG 5 1913 



IZZY'S VACATION 



they come down to front of stage, throw their lines 

into audience, hook up a wig or woman's piece of 

hair, then exit to laugh — or use a song for finish.) 

curtain. 



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